Fear of the English Language affects many people in this country And most of us struggle to improve our ability to write English to better our chances of getting work etc. But for some it's more difficult. And that was the case - until recently - for 95year-old Arthur Knight, of no fixed address.
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Celebration
And yesterday was a day of celebration for Arthur that he'll never forget as he finally mastered the use of the language, startling his tutor (whose been charging him £20 an hour for the last ten years) in the process.
Arthur, a former RAF pilot with medals from both World Wars, told us yesterday "My tutor was surprised and shocked how quickly I mastered it, but I'm now a happy man. I've finally conquered my greatest fear - the English Dictionary". |
Bewildered. Arthur yesterday |
Arrested
Mr Knight was arrested yesterday and charged with murder after he smacked his tutor over the head with the 'Giant Oxford Dictionary'. He will appear in court on Tuesday and will be sentanced by Judge Hargreaves-Pendragon |
| Jilted Oldham housewife, Anne Grime, had enough of her husband's adulterous ways and decided to get her own back with a little of her own Chinese Torture, a court in Oldham heard yesterday. |
SEX MONSTER
The jury heard how attractive 32 year-old Anne Grime, waited one night for her 29-year-old sex-beast hubby Stuart, a worker with Oldham Council, to return
home from one of his 'flings'- before setting in motion a catastrophic turn of events.
ANIMAL
The first signs of anything untoward in what was, after all, just a normal night for Stuart, took place in the couple's four-poster bed. The Oldham court heard how, after several hours snoring, sex-crazed animal Stuart awoke with a one hundred pound boulder resting on his chest with a note attached to it from his sexy wife saying "Chinese Torture Part One - One Hundred Pound boulder on Chest" |
Jilted Anne Grime outside Oldham Court yesterday
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SEX FIEND
A clearly bemused Oldham court (some jurors even finding it hard to contain their chuckling) were then told how Stuart through the boulder out of the open window next to the bed. It was than that he saw that a rope was attached to the boulder with a note hanging from it saying "Chinese Torture Part Two - Rope attached to your right testicle".
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Fiend Stuart Grime |
BEAST
The weight pulled sex pig Stuart (pictured left) out of the window - attached to which was a third note which he read as he flew through the opening.
The jurors couldnt contain themselves from chuckling once more when they were told that the note said "Chinese Torture Part Three - Left testicle tied to bedpost".
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FINE
After instructing the court to cease it's laughter, Oldham Judge Hargreaves-Pendragon fined the lovely Anne £15.50 and warned her against using "sorcery of this nature" in future. Meanwhile, mad sex monster Stuart Grime, underwent succesful surgery at the Oldham Royal yesterday, but would not comment to Oldham Live. |
| An amazing trio of stunning early morning photos of Oldham (below), taken in July 2007, have revealed what appears to be an Unidentified Flying Object over a sleeping Oldham town. |
| The photos, which we have put together as a moving image, were shot from the Coppice direction overlooking town centre. The Civic Centre can clearly be seen against the backdrop of hills at Grains Bar. |
EARLY MORNING SNAPS
The photographer, who wishes to go by the name of Dave Smith to protect his identity, was out trying to snap early morning shots of Oldham Town Centre at the time. "It was about 4.30am. I wanted to catch Oldham as the sun rose for a different shot" Dave (right) told us. "But just as I took the photo an object appeared in the right hand side of the viewfinder". |
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FOLLOW THAT UFO
Dave attempted to follow the object with continous shots at one second intervals (maximum camera speed).
"It was moving fairly fast, so I just kept my finger on the button and kept the object in view. I got three fairly decentish takes - which I handed on to Oldham Live. After this the UFO simply shot straight up vertically. In the blink of an eye it had disappeared".
PURRING NOISE
Dave also told us that there was nothing but a a steady low-pitched hummm coming from the object. "It was rather like my cat, Tiddles, purring after a big dish of food. Not the kind of noise to wake anyone up and barely audible at all" he told us
MORE SIGHTINGS
So far we've not had any other witnesses to this astonishing sighting but anyone who saw the mysterious alien ship on the morning of July 18th 2007 should contact us immediately. Or any other UFOs or starange phenomena please go to our news page here.. |
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APRIL
LETTERS
Pointless
Apr 28th 2008
My mum recently had a conversation with my friends mum in Tesco's at Westwood and pointed out to her that she had the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless discussion than that? Or am I missing something?
Thomas Skull, Sparrow Street, Oldham
Running Lights
Apr 24th 2008
I recently got a £120 fine for jumping the red lights at Cross Street and Huddersfield Road lights. Its made me wonder though just why our health services are so cash strapped. Almost everytime one drives down Huddersfield Road there's one or two speeding ambulances who nip through the lights without stopping. I spent a week counting them and it added up to a staggering 15 a day!!! That means our ambulance service is paying out over 20 grande a week in fines for jumping those lights. And God only knows all the other lights in Oldham that theyre jumping. The mind
boggles...
J. Chindwaji, Lees Road
OLDHAM ZOO
Apr 24th 2008
Do any of your readers have any suggestions on the sort of food that elephants like? I run a major zoo in Tandle Hills Park, and we are having terrible trouble getting our elephants to eat. We have tried them on the sausages that we give to the lions and the Haribos that the chimpanzees have, but they just turn their noses up. It is getting quite urgent as three or four of them have already died.
Dr R Moreton, Dendy Drive, Oldham
Reassurance for Flyers
Apr 20th 2008
I am an airline pilot, and during long flights, I often switch the plane to autopilot and nip into the bogs for a quick wank. But I would like to reassure my passengers that they are completely safe, as if there was any sort of emergency, such as an engine catching fire or a
rudder snapping off, the stewardesses are under strict instructions to fetch me immediately.
Caption Harrison Fibreboard
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