Oldham Live can exclusively reveal that smoking one hundred cigarettes a day greatly improves your health - and thats according to one health expert we spoke to yesterday. Barry Starlight, 38, who says he's an

"health expert who lives in Royton", has studied the benefits of smoking for twenty-four years. YEARS OF VALUABLE STUDY "I began studying the effects of nicotine when I was fourteen years old" he told us. "Since then, I've experimented with about hundred tabs a day" a wheezing Barry confessed". "After all my experiments, I think I can safely say that smoking is good for your health". EXPERIMENTS Barry started on just a mere 40 ciggies a day. But his lust for a healthy pair of lungs soon led him onto more and by the time he was fifteen he ws on a ton a day.

BUS Barry now believes that smoking is generally good for a person's health and well being. "I could walk out of here this minute" he told our reporter outside the Marston Tavern in Royton "and get hit by a double decker bus. But its never happened while Ive been a smoker, which leads me to believe that smoking is a good thing". CHILDREN Although Barry is convinced that smoking one hundred tabs a a day is beneficial he intends to continue his valuable research into the subject. "Both my teenage kids are already addicted to the health benefits of smoking" he confirmed. "And they've been helping with my research since they were four years old. Jason is now 16 and he experiments with 180 tabs a day and he's never been hit by a bus" said a smiling Barry.

A Derker man hopes to achieve the impossible next month, when he will attempt to raise the Titanic from it's watery grave where its rested for over 90 years.

The Titanic yesterday

BOATING LAKE Fred Dobbins, 39, unemployed and of no fixed address, believes he's located the ship deep down in the boating lake at Alexander Park. Oldham - over nineteen hundred miles from where it was claimed to have sunk on that fateful journey across the Pacific Ocean.

LOTTERY GRANT Dobbins says the White Star Line ship sank at it's reported spot, about ninety-five miles south of the Grand Banks of Newfoundland, just before midnight on April 14, 1912, but that it's final sea-bed resting place was in the boating lake at Alexandra Park. How it got there he's not entirely certain, but he aims to prove he's correct by raising it from the lake next year - with the aid of ten million pound grant from the Lotteries Board.

U-BOATS It's not the first time that Dobbins has been the centre of media attention. In 1993 he failed in a bid for a 20 million pound grant to raise a fleet of sunken German U-boats which he believed were resting at the bottom of Dovestones Reservoir in Saddleworth. How they got there he's not quite sure. Our reporter, Hugh G Rection , asked the tourist office at Oldham Council about the U-boats. They told him to "piss off".

Bobbins

The proposed new ground at Boundary Park, Oldham - which will house both Oldham Athletic and Oldham Rugby League - was foretold in the Bible 2,000 years ago, according to our researcher Emanuel Cazaregis. In what appears to be a clear reference to the placing of the netted goalposts, Ezekiel Ch.26; verse 5 reads "It shall be a place for the spreading of nets... for I have spoken it... and it shall become a spoil to the nations".

The old ground - Boundary Park - which the Bible says will be "torn asunder"and will make way for a new ground.

The last part appears to suggest that the new stadium will be used for International events. Cazaregis believes that the predictions clearly refer to Oldham Athletic. Further on, he points out, in the Gospel of St Matthew', Ch10; verse 8 it says, clearly referring to Boundary Park Hospital "Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers and raise the dead". A fanatic of the Latics, Bernard

Leatherbottom, said "it is clear evidence that Latics are destined to have a new ground. Nowhere else in the Bible does it refer to latics". Priests and theologians are currently studying the sacred text. They agree that in one passage in Dueteronomy (Ch 8 Verse 76) it says "the ground shall be torn asunder and the new soil shall be green and flat" a reference to the laying of the new pitch at the new ground in Oldham. Our reporter, Doris karloff, met Oldham Athletic's manager John Sheridan and asked him his thoughts on the prophecy. He told us to "piss off". COMMENT ON THIS STORY HERE

A chuffer, said to have been left by the late King James 1, has been uncovered in a blocked chimney stack at a cottage in Oldham. King James died on 27th March 1625 and is believed to have travelled to Oldham on his way to a meeting with the 'Gunpowder Plotters' in London.

BOWEL MIST Its believed that he stayed at the cottage for at least a night and that he slept in the bedroom with direct access to the chimney - which was blocked at the top. Whilst there, it is believed he 'let rip' on several occasions and that one found its way to the chimney and lodged itself at the top. After his departure the chimney was blocked off at the bottom and the cottage was closed - leaving the bowel mist lingering there for the next three hundred and fifty years. BAGGED It was only recently that archaeologists began

King James - he left a chuffer in a chimney

work on the cottage. "It's amazing" said Professor Trevor Card, from Oldham University "you can imagine our excitement when we opened up the chimney - closed to the world for three-and-a-half centuries and nasally encountered the wind from the past". The chuffer was quickly bagged and sealed in a special container and will be put it in the local museum for everyone to see.

E-MAILBOX
(A crisp tenner for every one of your letters printed - Please send your cheque to Oldham Live, PO Box 3178, Oldham)

Rain
April 23rd 2008

The other day, whilst going to Oldham market, it rained and I didn't have an umbrella. The next day, whilst going to Oldham Library, it didn't rain and I had an umbrella. You just can't win, can you?
Peter Price, Clarksfield

Eastenders
April 20th 2008

Depressing and boring eastenders may be, but we should be grateful for the fact that if nothing else, at least it keeps a couple of dozen thieving cockneys off the dole.
Name witheld

The 'King' Charles ?
April 14th 2008

What confusion there'll be when Prince Charles eventually takes the thrown off his dear mum. When we refer to him as 'King' it will invariably convince many people that Elvis is alive again, surely. For this reason wouldn't it be far more proper to carry on calling him 'Queen' so as not to confuse people.
Alan G, Robson Green, Oldham

Is marriage a good deal?
April 1st 2008

I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25-year-old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from Oldham. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is not a lot to me, so I don't think I'm over-reaching at all. Are there any guys who make £500,000 or more out there in Oldham? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a businessman who made around £200,000. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. £200,000 won't get me to the Bahamas 4 times a year and St Tropez and diamond necklaces regularly.

I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker, and lives in Cheshire. She's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do you rich guys decide on marriage vs just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.
Katie B, Address supplied if needed

Reply To Katie B
April 1st 2008

I qualify as a guy who fits your bill - I make more than £500,000 per year on my businesses in Oldham and Rochdale areas. Here's how I see it: Your offer is a plain and simple crappy business deal. What you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple, But here's the rub. Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity - in fact, it is very likely that my income will increase, but it is an absolute certainty that you won't he getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms, you are a depreciating asset. In stock exchange terms, we'd call you a trading position - not a buy and hold. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) - so I'd rather lease you. The deal that makes sense for me is dating, not marriage.
Jeff S, address supplied if needed

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