Fear of the English Language affects many people in this country. And most of us struggle to improve our ability to write English to better our chances of getting work etc. But for some it’s more difficult. And that was the case – until recently – for 95-year-old Arthur Knight (right), of Egerton Street, Oldham.
Celebration
And yesterday was a day of celebration for Arthur that he’ll never forget as he |
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finally mastered the use of the language, startling his tutor (whose been charging him £5 per lesson for the last 12 months) in the process.
Arthur, a former RAF pilot with medals from both World Wars ,told us yesterday “My tutor was surprised and shocked how quickly I mastered it, but I’m now a happy man. I’ve finally conquered my greatest fear – the English Dictionary”.
Arrested
Mr Knight was arrested yesterday and charged with assualt after he twatted his tutor over the head with the ‘Giant Oxford Dictionary’. He will appear in court on Tuesday. |
A freak snowstorm engulfed the whole of the Market Hall yesterday and caused pandemonium and terror amongst shoppers and retailers....only for it to be found it wasn't snow at all, but dandruff from a woman's hair!
Market Hall personnel at first thought that the storm was a freak snow blizzard. "We thought that the top doors had been left open" said an official "and that the snow was being blown through them ". |
SNOW PLOUGHS
Snow ploughs were called to the scene instantly as six foot drifts began to form in the aisles between the stalls - imperiling the safety of shoppers and retailers. "It was a shock when we first got the call at the depot" said Arthur Spark, a Snow Removal Operative. "There was no snow reported anywhere else in Oldham ".
SMILING
On arriving at the scene though, the Chief of Clearance Operations, Mr. Henry Bright, declared that the substance was not snow at all. "It appeared to be a dandruff blizzard" said Mr Bright "so I ordered my men back to the depot". Meanwhile, thirty-three people needed serious hospital treatment, after near-suffocation from being buried by the engulfing dandruff.
ARRESTED
Officials say that a 47 year old woman was arrested. She is said to be from Greenfield and had not washed her hair since she was seven.
N.B.
Dandruff is a condition in which the skin of the scalp flakes off like snow in excessive amounts - sometimes with the awful consequences witnessed at the Market Hall.
BEGGAR ME!
‘Aggressive begging’ on our streets was condemned by a judge at Oldham Court yesterday.
Judge Hargreaves-Pendragon was speaking after the case of 28-year-old Gavin Woodyard was heard by the jury.
Town Hall
The court heard how Woodyard was caught.
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LOCAL MAN IN DRY CLEANING FRAUD!
A Failsworth man has been done for fraud after he repeatedly gave clothes to 'Help the Aged' shops and bought them back for fifty pence each the day after.
The man, George Trelthorpe (pictured above outside the charity shop), unemployed of Pole Lane, claimed it was cheaper to give the clothes to 'Help the Aged' - who have a strict policy of dry cleaning all donated clothing - and buying them back the day after for fifty pence, than taking them to the dry cleaners and paying £3.75 for each item to be cleaned.
Trellthorpe, whose name was spelt wrong in the previous paragraph because of the accidental omission of the letter 'l' , was fined £5 and ordered to do 10 hours community work. |
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‘aggressively begging’ on the steps of the old Town Hall at the top of Yorkshire Street. One witness, Jackie Kilpatrick, said how Woodyard approached her saying “I have nothing in the world, no money, no home and no food…all I have is this gun”.
Miserly
Judge Hargreaves-Pendragon said he was left with no alternative but to set an example. And the members of the jury nodded approvingly as he sentenced Ms Kilpatrick to two years hard labour. “Your miserly attitude forced poor Woodyard into the unfortunate position of using a gun” he told Kilpatrick before ordering a whip round in the court for the unfortunate Mr Woodyard |
Builder’s labourer and sex magnet Tony Mulheeny (right) has got a massive, humongous, DONGER. The thirty-one year-old father of 84 children, also has testicles so big he carries them around in a wheelbarrow on the building site - just like Gonnad.
And the girls just love him. One 22-year-old told us “He’s got a massive, humongous, DONGER”. Another told us that Ten-Ton-Testicle-Tony had a humongous DONGER longer than my arm. “His DONGER’S longer than my arm” said pretty brunette Cheryl Bampton from Delph.
But Tony was too shy to talk about his assets when we called him yesterday. Asking him about the size of his DONGER he modestly replied “well, the girls don’t complain about my DONGER”. |
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WARDROBE COULD BE YEARS OLD!
By our Foriegn Correspondent - Manuel Spinoza
A wardrobe has been discovered on a peice of ground in Oldham. It is believed it could have been part of a bedroom suite from the early 1980’s
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The discovery was made by 27 year old Andy Myrtle of Waterhead, whilst walking his dog on Sunday morning. “I always walk the dog the same way” he told our reporter. “Then, last Sunday, I noticed this large wooden object at the side of the road. There were other household items, empty tin cans and the like next to it”.
Excited by the find, Andy rang the council. “They didn’t take long to haul the find off in one of their wagons” he said.
It’s not known how old the wardrobe may have been, but Andy puts the date at around 1984. How it got their - mysteriously |
The old wardrobe. Could have been
as old as 1984
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| appearing at the side of the road - isn’t known. One theory is that it fell out of a passing car, together with all the other items with it. |
Council Won’t A-Deer to Jack’s Demands!
A man from Clarksfield has lost his ten-year battle to have a ‘Deer Crossing’ sign erected on his street.
Jack Stanley 68, of Lees Road, sent his appeal to the council’s transport division in 1998.
Together with a petition (of which he was the only signatory) he handed a letter to the council leader which demanded a sign warning people that deers might be crossing the road and that they should drive slowly.
“It would have cost the council about £800 to erect the sign” said a spokesman from the council.
Meanwhile, although no deer have ever been seen within 65-miles of Lees Road, a disappointed Mr Stanley has vowed to continue his fight to protect deer on Lees Road.
“The council will have egg on their faces if a deer does get hit by a car on Lees Road” said a defiant Mr Stanley. |
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Latest Local Polls
The latest issues on everyones lips. Vote Now!
MARCH 2009 POSTBAG
Road Widening
I think footpaths along either side of our roads in Oldham should be scrapped to make the roads wider for us motorists. It’ll be easier for everyone. Then, if pedestrians can’t be bothered to buy a car or motorcycle, they should be made to stay at home because we can’t have them walking on the roads, can we? Besides, most pedestrians are unemployed anyway, so they’ve no need to go anywhere, have they? P.Moores, Greenacres
Footpaths
I’m sick and tired of wearing out my rubber shoe soles walking along footpaths everyday. Surely, it’d be better if all the footpaths were made of rubber, then, we pedestrians could have concrete soles on our shoes. Therefore, the footpath would wear out and not our shoes - saving us all money. Every three years the council could just re-lay all the rubber footpaths!
Mary F, Hollinwood
Road Widening Again
I refer to your correspondent in this issue (above) ‘P.Moores’ who wants to abolish footpaths to make wider roads for cars. If anything, I think the road should become the footpath for pedestrians and cars should be made narrower so that they can use the footpaths on either side of the road. The footpaths would then become the roads and the road would become the footpath. Motorists would use the left footpath (or road, whatever, you want to call it) for whichever way they are travelling. And surely, this would prevent head-on collisions because of the wide footpath between the two sets of traffic!
Alfie Bass, Greenfield
I agree totally with ‘Alfie Bastard’ (above).
Fred Torse, F/worth
Er..its not ‘Bastard’ matey...it’s ‘Bass’. Get yer facts right in future Mr Tosser.
Alfie Bass, Greenfield
Oh! So sorry Mr Bash!
Fred Torse, F/worth
Footpaths Again
I think I might have the answer to this terrible problem on our footpaths in Oldham. Why not have escalator footpaths? Think about it! Firstly, non of us pedestrians would wear out our rubber soles. Secondly, it would prevent crashes amongst pedestrians..like the one poor Mr Toss (above) had because we’d all be going the same way. Also it would mean that we could read the newspaper or a book whilst travelling along the footpaths. Then, we’d just transfer onto different escalators at the junctions. I’m sure the OAPs would agree with me on this matter. Many of them struggle up Yorkshire Street to the Post Office each week. Jean M. Royton
Pedestrians
I must say I do sympathise with pedestrians in Oldham. I live in Saddleworth and drive a Mercedes which is 24 ft wide. My parents were pedestrians themselves and so were my grand-parents, so I knew at an early age what pedestrianism meant for people. Anyway to get to my point, I think there should be selected times for certain cars to use our roads. I need the full width of a road and find it difficult driving down one half of it. Its alright for those people with little BMWs, Minis or Polo’s etc but its unfair on me. I think the roads should be two-sided, as they are now, between 7am and 9am and 5pm and 7pm when people with small cars are going or returning from their drudgery at work. But during the day between 9am and 5pm and after 7pm at night, the roads should become one-way so that I, and people like me, can drive in the middle of the road with ease whilst entertaining clients and attending business functions.
Sir Anthony Regents-Park, Saddleworth
Pedestrians Again
I’ve read with interest your debate in this issue about the problem of pedestrians and what to do with them. But, if only your readers could talk common sense. Some of the ideas are riduculously stupid. The problem can be alleviated simply by attaching trampolenes on everyone’s rooftop. Then, pedestrians can simply bounce from one roof to another until they reach their destination. This will mean no worn shoes, the scrapping of the footpaths at last, wider roads which are pedestrian-free and, it will also help keep the unemployed and OAPs, who are mostly pedestrians anyway, fit and healthy.
Steve M, Lees |
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